Monday, December 8, 2008

I'm paralyzed.

That's it... I HATE WINTER!!! There- I said it.

Snow, sickness, stalkers (that's for you know who), my furnace, my pets, and just about anything that needs anything from me today. I hate all of it. I am sick today, so I think since I am in a rotten mood, I will make a list of things that REALLY grind my gears.

Here I lay in bed, trapped by the completely moronic Imagination Movers. We'll start there. When I was growing up and a show, commercial or song we really hated came on we would freeze completely until it was off and say, "I'm paralyzed!!". Well today, my friends, for the moment "I am paralyzed!!!".

And that Daniel Cook HAS TO GO!!! Don't even get me started on him or that lame Emily Young..... argh!!! I want to rip my hair out!!!

Poopy diapers. Especially Jackson's. He's hiding behind the chair right now, so I am pretty sure when he emerges waterey eyed and red faced- well then, you know. Potty training is hit and miss...pardon the obvious play on words.

Guadalajara, Mexico.
Si. Nuf said. Will be there on Thursday... damn.

Hidden homework.

Me: "Do you have any homework?"
Addie: "No mom!"

5 hours later....

Addie "Mom, can you help me with my divisions??"

Kathy McKibbis-schlimmi-ding-a-linger.... whatever her damn last name is. I still get phone calls for this lady. Collection phone calls. Nursing home phone calls from her father's nurse. Doctor's office phone calls. And I have had my phone number for 4 years. I told one of them when they finally get ahold of her to tell her to stop giving my phone number out, and pay her freakin' bills!!!!

Ok, I need to go get in the shower and cry. Pray for all of us. Really. We're lookin at certain death and destruction. (Ok, not really, but I am sick.)

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


That's how much of my 401K I lost last quarter... Lord only knows how much I have lost since then. As I was opening my statement, I was visibly sickened. The only thing that could have made me laugh in this situation was the following exchange:

Addie: " What's wrong mom?"
Me: "Oh, nothing."
Addie: "Mom... it isn't nothing. You look sad."
Me: "Mom just lost a bunch of money."
Addie: "Well, we'll help you find it."
Brax: "Yah, mom... I have 7 dollars.."
Me: "Thanks guys, but I lost it in the stock market."
Addie: "Oh... hmm... well, what was the money for?"
Me: "For when mom gets old and retires. It's so that I can have money."
Addie: "Well, when are you going to retire? You're already old."
Me: "Thanks Addie."
Brax: " I feel soooo bad for you mom!"

long pause.....

Addie: " It's okay mom, I'll pay for your nursing home."

And with that I laughed until my sides hurt. The only request I have is that Joon and I be room mates at the Coventry. Otherwise, I ain't a-goin'!

I overheard them down the hall about 15 minutes later:
Brax: " I still feel so bad for mom..."
Addie: "Brax-ton, I ALREADY told you!! I'm going to pay for mom's nursing home!"

Monday, October 27, 2008

Nice Suits...

Right off the bat you will notice the title of this post. At first, it will not make sense to you since the correlation between "nice suits" and a wonderful relaxing weekend Halloween party seems quite the stretch. Believe you me, by the end I will have wrapped it up nicely and handed it to you with a nice bow on top. Promise. And, for the record I drove... *GASP!!*

First of all, Kudos are in order to Gramma Kristine and Poppy Rick for putting together a wonderful weekend getaway. Kristine (having been a 2nd grade teacher) always has LOTS of fabulous activities planned for the kiddies, and this party was no exception. She plans everything out to the T and I always leave each event feeling blessed that she is part of my kids lives. She is amazing to say the least. This year we carved pumpkins, made candle votive holders with spooky eyes, ate lots of yummy food, and spent a few hours soaking in the natural hot tubs of Lava Hot Springs. Kristine made arrangements for us to stay in this fabulously charming old school house that has been renovated into a place you can rent out and hold such activities. There are

lots of beds, plenty of room to spread out and though old, it has so much charm, it's beyond description. Plus, it has lots of trap doors, a stairway leading to no where- literally, and would be an uber excellent place for an adult game of hide and go seek in the dark or by candlelight. Guaranteed to scare the crap out of anyone. :) Perhaps next year. My brother Kevan said the basement reminded him of something from The Shining- - of course he always has been a pansy.

There was an indoor gymnasium and the kids had a riot playing ball, and riding on the flying turtles. Braxton and Jason had races and Poppy ended up throwing out his back in the process.

Addie threw a tea party before bed, and yes- you will notice that I am wearing my jammies with footies. (One of the perks of being 5'1" is being able to still shop in the kids section . Which means that I can still buy footie jammies!) I am not proud. :) And yes... I have no make up on... heck- give me a break I just got back from the hot tubs. The next morning we had a wonderful breakfast consisting of my pull aparts and eggs and sausage. YUUUMMMM!!!

So here's the best part of the story:
At the conclusion of the night, gramma stayed behind and got the kids settled into a movie and my brother, his wife Jill, my dad and I all snuck out to the springs for a night time soak. Being about 8:00 it was rather dark and cool- perfect for a visit to the hot springs. As we arrived and settled in we noticed a couple of girls (early 20's ) taking lots of pictures. Everything seemed fine until frame 643. .. at which time we started asking, "what in THE hell are they doing?". Once the photo shoot concluded things got even stranger. In a deeper section of the pool there is a horizontal bar sticking up out of the water. After hanging on that for a while they split up. One girl starting hugging the rock wall and doing pull ups. She apparently really liked this wall, since she was really getting into it (ie making out with the wall). Not to be out done, the other girl started posing on one of the wooden decks they have around the outer edges of the pool. She was pretty much posing as if to "tan" in the moon light, and at the conclusion of her moonlight tanning session, she grabbed on to a pole and swung around it. It came pretty naturally to her, so we figured she must be a stripper or something of the sort.

Weeeelllll, by this time, Jill and I couldn't handle it any longer. Being the sexiest girls there, we figured we'd better start reclaiming our territory that was being invaded by novices. (Actually we were mocking the crap out of these girls). I threw my legs up on the rail, Jill withered her body and we laughed uncontrollably. Apparently these girls didn't like what we were doing, because on the way out as we passed them they yelled, "Nice suits!" Apparently the best thing they could come up with. And yes, they are nice suits actually.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Hello, my name is Tiffany, and I am a knee-boot-aholic. It's been 2 months since my last purchase.

When I was in high school I developed a deep, passionate love for all things fashion. In fact, when my high school sweetheart* dumped me out of the blue, I vowed to move to New York, never to be married (or have children for that matter), and make it big and famous in the fashion world as a fashionista, or plan B was to become a Broadway singer/actress. (Of course, you will note the absolutely striking similarities between who/what I am today and what I wanted to become.:) Ok, not so much.)

As the years have floated by (what has it been 6 or so? Maybe a few more, but what the hell- who's counting?) I have maintained my love for fashion, trying to stay hip and fashionable as I have become olddddd... My love for shoes, handbags and clothing is only surpassed by my love for Lime Diet Coke. :)(Could someone fetch me one, please?)

As my husband can attest, I have never met a fabulous set of boots I didn't love/adore. Especially ones that are knee high, have long pointy toes, and spike 3-4" heels. (Que the angelic chorus!) So, recently I was THRILLED (to say the least) that our work uniform guidelines now allow us to wear said boots with our uniform. When that guideline was approved, I promptly called the Head Honcho and asked where I could send the bouquet of flowers.. but I got her voice mail so I hung up. Oh, how happy am I?? Immediately I started planning which boots to wear with which dress. I am talking kid on Christmas morning happy (so, for all you nay-sayers, there you have it: it really is the little things that make me happy). You getting all this?

As I went to my closet, I approached with some caution... after all, I knew I had a few pairs of black, high heel knee boots.... but since each has a special place in my heart, I lost track of them a while ago. Honestly, I feel sheepish in the following admission, since nothing could have prepared me for the unearthing of 7 pair of black, knee high boots... that's right, I said 7. This of course doesn't include any other boots in my closet: not the brown boots, not the shoe boots, not any other type of boots I may own.

And while I will never admit to this in person (so don't ask me to because I swear I will deny it in any conversation from here on out)...I think I may have a problem.

Oh, and maybe one day I'll still run away to New York... well, in my dreams anyway.

*What a total jackass

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


This goes into the "DO NOT tell Ryan" category... so please, do me a favor and keep this under wraps.

Confession: Jack likes my shoes. He also likes my purses and makeup- but that's another story for another day. I digress, Jack loves to wear my shoes more (in fact, the higher and pointier- - - the better). The other morning I left him closely attended ( I was in the same house, but I could hear him rummaging around) and he kept climbing up and down the stairs. I didn't think too much of it since I could hear him doing something. Usually when he's quiet is when all hell is being loosed. So, finally when I was done doing my 2 loads of laundry, I walked out into the hall to find the following scene:

There at the end of the hallway, lined up as neatly as a 2 1/2 yr old can, were 6 pair of my shoes. Shaking my head, I looked at Jack and I asked him what he was doing. He said that he was "playing with mom's shoes... priidddy, huh mom?". Sure enough... he as playing with my shoes. At least he picked out all of my favorite pairs! Who knows, maybe I am raising the next Manolo Blahnik. And if that is the case, then yay for me!!! A mother's dream.

Monday, September 22, 2008


Where do I start? I haven't blogged in a while because I have been busy fixing all the things that Jack has done recently. Originally, when I posted my eggs incident, I truly did not believe that things could go from really bad to worse. However I have recently revisited that thought, since not only do I now know- but I can attest that things can indeed go rapidly from really bad to worse. Let's take a look see and find out why I now intimately know this.

For future reference, the following may be helpful to know. Recipe for disaster:
10 lb bag of flour +
curious 2 year old boy +
mom in shower

This was within the same week as the eggs. How nice. Forget that there are starving people all around the world! We are well on our way to wasting as much food as possible. I don' t think we will be able to make crepes anytime soon, what with being out of flour and eggs and all. Really the only thing missing is the milk. I am drawing the line at the milk though. Because I think that at this point it is safe to assume that one can, indeed, cry over spilled milk (and for that matter, spilled flour and smashed eggs too).

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Yearbook yourself

Are you ready to pee your pants because you're laughing so hard? Check out
this site! You put in your picture and it spits out a photo of you in yearbook fashion from 1950-2000. It is hilarious. I thought you all might like to know how we looked over the many years we spent repeating High School.